Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a powerful, evidence-informed approach that helps you understand the different parts of yourself, such as the critic, the people-pleaser, or the part that overeats or overworks. Rather than fighting them, we get to know them, and in this way they can truly change. I work with IFS as a coach, face to face in Derby, Derbyshire, and online.
I’d reached an understanding through my spiritual practices that some parts of me were acceptable and others weren’t, and that the unacceptable ones needed to change. Yet, however hard I tried, I couldn’t change them. So I pressed down hard on everything I’d decided was unhelpful and tried to show up in the world with only those parts deemed good and worthy. Of course, over time, this proved utterly unsustainable.
So when I heard the words of Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), “there are no bad parts”, it grabbed my attention big time. I resonated with these IFS principles like someone who’d been thirsty for a very long time and had finally found water.
And this is the basic premise of IFS: we have an inner family of parts, and all of them are welcome and valued because their raison d’être, so to speak, is to help us. That’s not to say they always succeed in helping us, but that’s their intention, and that is valued within IFS. Getting to know these parts, understanding the motivations behind their actions and, in most cases, updating them about what’s true and relevant today, whilst honouring what happened in the past, leads to organic, sustainable change. This is very different from my previous attempts at change.
So, a little bit more about parts. We have what are known as manager parts, which like to keep things under control: the critic, the planner, the people-pleaser.
We also have what’s known as the firefighter, which jumps in reactively, with too much energy, or over the top. Its reaction is bigger than it should be; it puts a fire hose on where a cup of water would do. So it jumps in to try to avoid any discomfort, and uses tools of distraction or numbing, such as eating, drinking, scrolling or overworking. This is where it gets tricky for people, because these things can become compulsive, or even an addiction. Firefighters are trying to protect us from revisiting a historic experience that was not optimum for us, because it was painful.
So what is it that the managers and firefighters are working so hard to protect? In IFS, these are known as exiles: younger parts of us that still carry the hurt, fear or shame of those historic experiences. They’re called exiles because, over the years, they’ve been pushed out of sight, and the managers and firefighters work tirelessly to keep their feelings from overwhelming us. However, in sessions, exiles can be met in a safe and manageable way, and only when the whole system feels ready. Then the firefighter’s job, and the manager’s, is significantly reduced.
Thirty years of meditation gave me the wonderful opportunity to access what in Buddhist circles we call our Buddha nature. Other traditions might call it the God within, and in IFS we call it Self, with a capital S, sometimes also known as the Higher Self or True Self. The beauty of learning to inhabit what I’ll refer to as our Self is that we have a place of refuge, of calm, of security, no matter what is going on.
This is a key concept within IFS: the Self, which we access through what are referred to as the eight Cs and the five Ps. These are:
The eight Cs: calm, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, clarity, creativity and connectedness.
The five Ps: presence, patience, perspective, persistence and playfulness.
They give us a very easy way into inhabiting this space or energy. The way we would do this is to be guided by a therapist or coach to do what we need to do to access our sense of calm. For some, this might be just taking some deep breaths, or drawing on any of the eight Cs or five Ps which resonate. Just thinking about courage, for example, can bring us into a sense of our Self, or True Self.
So how was it that meditation gave me the calm of Self, and yet a rejection of parts of me? Well, in my spiritual life I got to enjoy this beautiful acceptance and access to a sense of our purity, or Higher Self, but it did hold, as many spiritual traditions do, the sense that there are parts of us to be rejected. On one level it makes sense: greed, arrogance or being easily angered are minds which don’t help us, and so could be considered minds, or parts, to reject.
When we view parts which are greedy, arrogant or easily angered through an IFS lens, we would get to know them and hear their story. What would likely be revealed is a more vulnerable part they are protecting, such as a younger version of us who experienced being belittled and made to feel small or useless. Being given permission to be curious about these parts, rather than trying to drive them out of existence, means we get to uncover the driving force behind them and allow that younger part to be heard and to release what it has been carrying. This then brings the whole system more into balance, and an easily angered part, for example, no longer has to work so hard protecting any vulnerable feelings arising around feeling useless.
So what changed for me was a much gentler, more curious and integrative way of responding to my system and the various minds, or parts, that I have. It brings about a far more holistic and deeper change within. Now I love to marry up my meditation practice and my sense of Self with a very curious and accepting enquiry into all parts of me, and a tenderness and respect towards historic experiences which have clouded my present projections of the world.
When people come to me, they usually just share the general picture of their life and what’s going on. Some threads will show: there might be a part that’s just utterly overwhelmed; there might be another part that’s really keen to get things back in order and life directed in a way that feels how it should be. When it’s a client coming with food struggles, there may be a part that is fed up with dieting. If it’s around dieting, they will have tried many, many things before reaching me. And more generally, people have tried lots of things, but without the support of a coach or a therapist.
This is where we have a strict, controlling part around food. It’s afraid that if we open the door slightly, that slight opening will open the floodgates. So it works really hard to be really tight around how we eat, because it knows the historic experience of eating food without restraint, or what some might call bingeing. The part that binges often does it in secret, behind closed doors, and it might be rebelling against what felt like a straitjacket.
In IFS, we can meet these two parts, and they can get to know and understand each other. That alone can bring a great deal of softening, and also an opportunity for us, as Self, to step in and let both parts know that we’re holding this and they don’t need to work so hard.
The first ten minutes, as I said, are about getting a general picture, then identifying the threads that seem important, the parts that want to be heard, and then homing in on the one or two parts that want to be heard first. We check all the way whether this is what the client’s system wants, because pacing is really important. We only do anything with the permission of the client’s whole system.
This depends on the client, and our first free call will give me a sense of what you will need. For some people, one session can answer a problem. For others, I recommend a block of five sessions, and for others a block of ten.
I meet people in person in the Derby area, in a beautiful therapy room, but it works equally well online.
In the first free conversation with me, I’ll get to know you and find out whether I can deliver what you’re wanting from doing IFS. If I’m not the right person, I’ll point you to someone who is. We’ll also look at expectations of delivery and outcomes.
If any of this sounds familiar (the controlling part, the “sod it” part, the one who keeps going long after she’s exhausted), you’re not broken. Those parts have been working hard for you. If you’d like to explore what IFS could do for you, click here to begin your process of change. There’s no pressure, just a chance to see whether we’re a good fit.
